Totally Not Fake News: Who is the “Best of the Worst”: Owners’ edition (Texans included)

Will we see a repeat or a new champion?

HOUSTON – With the NFL about to enter its “Dead Zone”, this gives legitimate news organizations a chance to provide that deeper level analysis that gets lost in the shuffle of the mad news cycle. This works for us just fine, as we are not all about the money (because there is none). We are all about the news (since we can’t worry about the money). Unless, of course, someone pays us a whole lot of money and then we will…still worry about the news, but with actual money…

Anyway, where were we…ah yes, the 3rd Annual Best of the Worst Owner Poll. Using our above-board and absolutely non-partisan polling system, we at Totally Not Fake News seek to answer the important questions in life. Included in those questions: who is the best of the worst owners? Trust us, there were plenty of good candidates (way too many, honestly).

Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images

Cal McNair

The defending champion. Yet, 2023-4 proved quite different in the fortunes of Mr. McNair. In the 3 previous years of the 2020s decade, the Texans won 11 games combined. This past season, the Texans won 11 games (include its first playoff win since 2019). The Texans went from laughingstock to potential Super Bowl contenders. Probably helps when you make the following moves: 1) Hire a good head coaching prospect 2) Draft a franchise QB who performs incredibly well 3) Turn around and then draft a defensive cornerstone of the franchise. Yet, the biggest catalyst for the resurgence boils down to Cal doing what so many men throughout history have done: listen to their spouses. Hannah McNair took a more active role in football operations since the end of last season. See the correlation? At this point, you wonder why Cal would even be back on the list. Then recall the Texans issued 3 new alternative uniforms. This now means that we have to spend 3x the money for new gear, all in this climate of heightened inflation. Thanks Cal.

Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images

Jerry Jones

If you look at Jerry Jones, the businessman, then no sports owner on the planet has been as successful. The Metroplex Cowboys consistently rate among the most valuable franchises in the world, usually over $8B. They dominate TV ratings and draw an inordinate amount of attention from the wider cultural world. Why? Apparently large segments of the population can’t leave the 20th century behind. And yet…there is the other side of Jerry Jones. As defacto grand football overlord, his decisions leave much to be desired. For a team that is EVERYWHERE in the NFL universe, they haven’t been to a conference title game in 28 years, when in the previous 28 years before that, the Cowboys played in 9 such contests. After this past “failure” Jones immediately said that the Cowboys were “All In”. The Cowboys off-season has been more “Quiet Contentment”. One could argue that the Dallas Cowboys are the modern Houston Oilers…full of talent, regular season success, but plenty of playoff derps. The Cowboys will make their money, but can Jerry the businessman overcome Jerry the football overlord?

Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

Amy Adams Strunk

Much like her father, Strunk continues to oversee a franchise that has potential but can’t get that illusive championship. Firing Mike Vrabel over a power struggle is a strategy. Letting Derrick Henry leave the team for nothing is business. Yet, where are the Titans going as an organization? They risk falling behind the other franchises in the division. Since they held a 7-3 record in mid-2022, the Titans are 6-18. Oh, then we have the whole trying to troll the Houston team by wearing the throwback Oiler jerseys in a game that you ended up losing to a fossilized Case Keenum to be eliminated from playoff contention? This, on top of bullying the University of Houston because they wore Columbia Blue uniforms for a collegiate game? Also factor that a lot of the Nashville city budget is about to go towards yet another edifice of underachievement, and the apple does not fall far from the tree.

Alex Slitz/Charlotte Observer/Tribune News Service via Getty Images

Dave Tepper

Here is a prospect who had a breakthrough season. Setting aside his going through coaches like most CEOs go through the latest business fads. Let us consider his resume for 2023-2024:

• The massive trade with Chicago prior to the 2023 so that he could draft Bryce Young, apparently over the objections of every single football-type person in the Carolina organization;
• Bringing in a rookie quarterback with no legitimate offensive line protection and sending away what might have been one of his best weapons;
• Watching as the team right behind you in the draft picking a QB that had arguably the greatest rookie season for a QB to date,
• Firing most of the coaching staff mid-season;
• Securing the number 1 overall pick…back to the Chicago Bears, with whom you traded for the rights to the #1 pick last season

Factor in that Tepper threw drinks at heckling fans in Jacksonville, and that he continues to live down to a rep of a thin-skinned billionaire, and you have a prime candidate for this poll for years to come.

Photo by David Eulitt/Getty Images

Clark Hunt

Why do we have the owner of the 2-time defending Super Bowl Champion Kansas City Chiefs? In the second annual NFLPA’s survey, the Kansas City Chiefs rated last in many categories that players consider important/significant. Given the money that must be coming into Kansas City’s coffers, surely they can spare a few bucks for the “building fund”. Yet, Hunt hemmed and hawed saying that trying to upgrade the locker-room would disrupt the team, or something to that effect. Then you see the voters of Kansas City, Missouri turn down a recent sales tax effort to help fund a new stadium. As a result, Hunt is about to play everyone’s favorite game: threaten to move the team if he doesn’t get the financial stadium tax-break windfall that he feels he richly deserves. So, to clarify…the Hunt strategy is to take a team that is on a major dynastic bender, with one of the most rabid fanbases in all of sports, and threaten to move them to…Kansas, a state that no one in their right mind actually ever wants to go to…or even (gulp) Dallas? Good luck.

Photo by Justin Casterline/Getty Images

Jim Irsay

Another annual contender. On the field, the Colts had a strong rebound season. Perhaps they’ve solved their post-Luck QB issues. The head coach seems like a good one. Yet, if anything will hold back this franchise, it will be the owner. Irsay’s Twitter/X feed is yet another example of why some old white dudes shouldn’t be on social media. His band will perform, but there is a reason they don’t cut albums. While people of all sorts do have substance abuse issues, most aren’t high-profile NFL owners who get stopped by police doing their legal duty, only to accuse the law of discriminating against white billionaires. Also, what was Irsay doing with Jonathan Taylor, calling him expendable, not giving him a contract extension…until he did, allowing the team to nearly ride his legs to a playoff spot…until they didn’t? Another case of the apple and the tree.

Bizuayehu TesfayeLas Vegas Review-Journal/Tribune News Service via Getty Images

John Fisher

Wait, a baseball owner on this list? We at Totally Not Fake News are all about inclusivity. Fisher bought the A’s as an investment and has always been more concerned about the bottom line vs. what happens on the field. The As went from playoff contender in 2020-21 to outright suck. While the stadium for the As was not the best venue for playing games, Fisher did next to nothing to help rectify the situation and seemingly locked on the course of action to move the team. Enter Las Vegas, which planned a new stadium built for 2027 (side note: An outdoor stadium…in Vegas, where in the summer, temps can get to 120F during the day and can remain close to 100F at night…sure, the plans have a overhand covering and likely there will be a/c blasted out the ying-yang…but will this work without cooking the fans?). Yet, by burning all of the bridges, the city of Oakland decided to play hardball and will kick the As out of their stadium before the Vegas stadium is ready. So, the team is having to find an interim home, alienating a fanbase, and more cities…and now even Vegas shows some buyer’s remorse. Well (not) played, Fisher…well (not) played.

Some candidates that fell off included Spanos (finally firing Staley and hiring Harbaugh). We considered Mark Davis, but he actually removed the cancer McDaniels before it could kill another few years. Shahid Khan also merited consideration, but just missed the cut…for now. The Bidwells are also on the radar, but after the last couple of drafts, they may escape future consideration.

For an added feature: This year, we introduce our inaugural Hall of Fame (shame??) class for the Best of the Worst Owners. Using incredibly selective criteria and an exhaustive voting system, we determined that these two deserving individuals are worthy of enshrinement/imprisonment in this special category.

Photo by Rob Tringali/SportsChrome/Getty Images

Dan Snyder

What does it say about a team like Washington that they finished on a massive losing streak, fired yet another head coach and generally didn’t have a lot of great highlights while playing in the worst stadium in the league, and the fanbase would consider the 2023-4 season a rousing success? Because last August, the team entered into new ownership for the first time this century. What Dan Snyder wrought for that franchise will be talked about for decades. Most might call him the worst owner in franchise history, if not the history of the league. Given that the Washington franchise was owned by George Prescott Marshall, the most prominent pro-Confederate racist in NFL history who also gave his time arguably the most racist nickname in history, that says something. Yes, Snyder pocketed almost $6B in the sale of the team, but most would consider that money well spent to be rid of perhaps the single biggest headache in sports ownership since Donald Sterling. No one will ever put up a statue, not even a Sean Taylor-style statue of this man. At least he will get some recognition for his “efforts” here.

Photo by Getty Images

K.S. “Bud” Adams:

As stated before, Amy Adams Strunk is showing some Adams-eseque traits of pettiness and impetuous decision-making, but she has yet to match the master of such techniques. Then again, if the Titans ever manage to win a conference championship, and she places the ring on her middle digit for the press, she will have come by it honestly. We think that ol’ K.S. is looking up from his eternal adobe and viewing with pride the actions of his progeny as she goes down the road of burning bridges and engaging in selfish pettiness, just like her old man.

Anyway, enough of back-stories. Time to turn it over to the most trusted polling system on the internet and using the most neutral and objective of all judges: the citizens of the internet. Who should be the Best of the Worst for 2024?