Please enjoy this excerpt about erotic chain wrestling from Toni Storm’s memoir

There may be more newsworthy items from the post-Double or Nothing media scrum… or maybe not. There won’t be anything more entertaining than the approximately five minutes AEW Women’s World champion Timeless Toni Storm spent at the table with her boss Tony Khan and New Japan Pro-Wrestling president Hiroshi Tanahashi, though.

Tanahashi’s presence made Storm’s latest scrum performance even more surreal, especially when she announced it would be an excerpt from her unpublished memoir The Storm is Coming — and when it quickly became apparent it was erotic fanfic about a legend who’s long been a focus of Toni’s. Shout out to the Timeless One’s usual entourage of Mariah May and Luther for their reactions to the champ’s latest bit, too.

Here’s Toni’s entire portion of the scrum, and a transcription of the snippet from her memoir she graced us with…

As I finish sweeping the ring on that hot August night, I cherished taking my first step into this wacky little business.

Suddenly, a shadowy figure appears at the open barn doors. A physique that is both opposing and alluring.

“Toni Storm, what the hell are you doing here?” said the breathy southern drawl.

“Why, I’m training to become a wrestler,’ I replied, my throat quivering in anticipation.

“Why, I am too,’ came the sly reply. I recognized that voice from the bar the other night.

Before I could say another word, our lips and bodies embraced in what I could only describe as erotic chain wrestling. My ample bosom, heaving. The nape of my neck, sweating with invitation. Writhing. Grinding. Moaning. Groaning.

We hit the mat, in what I could only describe as a boudoir battle royal. I separated those muscular thighs, glistening in what I would later find out was Vick’s vapor rub.

Where did I end? Where did I begin? Or maybe we had merged as one.

Suddenly, I was flipped onto my back. The tides had turned and I realized why they called it a “hot comeback.” Was it minutes, or was it hours? My watch had stopped working, but my hands were spinning. And then, a blast of white light and a supernova of exultation. My whole life flashed before my eyes. Not only my past in the coal mines, but my present and future, too. Including AEW, All In, All Out, Full Gear, Forbidden Door. Every match, every moment — including, a sizable raise.

And then, it was over.

I opened my eyes to see that no one was there. I sat up in a start. “Did I dream it all?” Then, I saw that shadowy figure slink off into the woods.

I called out, “I love you Wendi Richter!” But I knew that I would never see her again.

As you can see if you watch the clip above — and you definitely should, but maybe with headphones on if you’re at work or have young children about — Storm then asks for questions because she wanted to “do the bit where I huff and walk away”.

The first one she gets seems inspired by last year’s discussions about how long WWE’s Bloodline angle could run. Asked about what inning her title reign is…. Toni huffed and walked away.