Bears go Brrrrr: Pre-Free Agency Mock Draft!

In this pre-free agency, tampering-tastic first-round NFL mock draft…

• The Panthers and Texans do what you expect them to do with C.J. Stroud and Bryce Young. Then things get weird.
• Bears general manager Ryan Poles reveals that he’s not done wheeling and dealing.
• Texas running back Bijan Robinson lands with a team he can help win the Super Bowl.
• The Cowboys go hog-wild and make a bold trade.
• The Packers and Jets bathe in the afterglow of the Aaron Rodgers trade. Or do they?
• Cornerbacks! Cornerbacks! Cornerbacks!

And much more.

Pre-free agency mock drafts are the silliest mock drafts as team needs are likely to change radically in the next 96 hours. Furthermore, this particular mock was written by someone gulping down Mucinex the way a fraternity pledge pounds a borg. So things might get a little wibbly-wobbly and timey-wimey. But this mock also had the Panthers trading up with the Bears in its Thursday morning rough draft, so doubt my prescience at your peril.

1. Carolina Panthers: C.J. Stroud, QB, Ohio State

This mock initially began with a long paragraph explaining a then-hypothetical Panthers-Bears trade, praising Ryan Poles’ as-yet-unforeseen salesmanship and pointing out that the Panthers , of all teams, had no choice but to climb to the top of the draft board if they hoped to ensure their escape from the Sam Darnold/Baker Mayfield/Bad Idea treadmill.

Then the trade happened, so now I don’t have to convince you of all of that stuff!

The Bears got the ninth and 61st picks; wide receiver DJ Moore; a first-rounder next year; and a second-rounder in 2025. (Most stories about the trade list Moore last, as if he is some sort of throw-in, which can skew our perception of how big this haul is.) The Panthers get a gifted Ohio State quarterback, but they gut their skill-position corps and lose valuable assets needed to upgrade that corps in the future, leaving them with some exciting defensive playmakers and a former Colts guy as their head coach.

So essentially, the Panthers are now the Bears. This trade has them taking a step back from last year’s late-season mini-surge to move forward. But perhaps being the only team in the NFC South that’s serious about rebuilding will work to their advantage.

2. Houston Texans: Bryce Young, QB, Alabama

The Texans love Young, everyone knows it, and they should now be very confident that they can sit tight with the second overall pick and claim him.

Young is a fine selection for the Texans, so long as they provide some heavy-duty scaffolding on their interior offensive line in later rounds. (Let’s pencil in North Dakota State guard Cody Mauch with the 33rd pick and Michigan center Olu Oluwatimi with the 65th pick.) Young is also polished enough to be a Day 1 starter for a rebuilding team. He’s also a worthy face-of-the-franchise, so long as the public relations department can find an old phonebook for him to stand on for his media guide photo.

What, you were expecting us to get through a Young blurb without a short joke?

3. Arizona Cardinals: Will Anderson, ER, Alabama

County sheriffs like to tell tales of what they find when they confiscate the property of teenage drug dealers: apartments filled with multiple game consoles and unworn sneakers still in their boxes, but no cooking utensils, bed sheets, or shower curtains, the messy trappings of overcompensated-but-unsupervised adolescent decision-making.

Those tales are an apt metaphor for the state of the Cardinals roster right now.

New Cardinals general manager Monti Ossenfort and head coach Jonathan Gannon will spend lots of long days over the next few weeks staring at one another across a conference table, sighing heavily and saying things like, “We are so totally boned.” Their entire offensive line is up for free agency, and also stinks. Their defense and receiving corps are all honey mustard dressing, no turkey or ham (except for DeAndre Hopkins, currently digging a tunnel to freedom). Even the specialists are old free agents. It’s going to take a year just to create a roster that looks like it was assembled by adults.

Anyway, J.J Watt led the Cardinals in sacks with 12.5 last year; no one else on the team recorded more than 5.5. Watt has retired to a comfortable career as an over-opinionated ex-player. (You probably still find him charming now. Wait two years.) Anderson is the Best Available Athlete and fills a need. Don’t overthink it, fellas: you have a LOT of work to do in the months to come.

4. Indianapolis Colts: Will Levis, QB, Kentucky

You may be shocked to discover this, but Chris Ballard has no idea how to evaluate a quarterback.

That’s right: the general manager who did not realize that Carson Wentz was an uncoachable toddler-man and that Matt Ryan graduated from high school three years before Liam Neeson just might struggle with the big-picture thinking required to select a franchise quarterback. That makes Levis pure Ballard catnip: he’s a scouted-by-groupthink, looks-the-part prospect that the Colts can trumpet as a “safe” selection who did not require some sort of risky trade-up.

You can read my thoughts on Levis in the FO 100 if you are an FO+ subscriber, as you should be. The short version: I think we’re all being gaslit by some “source” who picked a tall major-program quarterback who looked pretty good in 2021 out of a hat and whispered his name into the ears of the top media draftniks. If you start with the assumption that Levis is a top-10 pick because that’s where he’s listed on most public draft boards, and you really cherry-pick his film/metrics/accomplishments, you can just barely find a quarterback worthy of that position, just as you can see the face of the Madonna in a bowl of pastina if you squint hard enough. If you watch Levis with a completely open mind, however, he’s a tiny notch above Davis Mills.

Levis is the quarterback a team ends up with when they have made so many shortsighted decisions over multiple years that they are left with no choice but to draft any quarterback who passes the sniff test. And here we are.

5. Seattle Seahawks: Christian Gonzalez, CB, Oregon

A colleague who writes lots of local-team mock drafts complained to me over cocktails in Indy: “I mock a cornerback for our team in the first round. Then everyone screams at me in the comment thread. That’s so stupid. Don’t you know we already have a really good cornerback? And I am like, yeah, and are you aware that we really need three of them?“

You aren’t like those local-site homer fans, dear reader. You know that the Seahawks have Tariq Woolen, but he cannot be in three places at once. Coby Bryant and Michael Jackson showed some promise last year, but Gonzalez is the type of tall, speedy, big-play-oriented defender you build a secondary around. Especially if you happen to be Pete Carroll.

6. Detroit Lions: Jalen Carter, DT, Georgia

Over the next six weeks, we will learn that Carter has taken ownership of his actions on the night of that fatal Georgia drag race, that he’s deeply remorseful about what happened and that reckless driving and lying to authorities were out of character for him and that he won’t let those mistakes define him. Unless new details emerge, Carter’s draft stock will therefore only fall because of a quarterback rush, not because of character concerns. And Dan Campbell just wants to inject more pure testosterone (and talent) into the Lions defensive line. Carter’s about to get a little tough love, and it could be a win for all parties.

7. Las Vegas Raiders: Peter Skoronski, OL, Northwestern

Josh McDaniels would love Will Levis. He knows a Mac Jones Lite that he can mold into a screen-passing automaton when he sees one. But Levis is gone.

Anthony Richardson? Drafting a workout warrior from Florida who needs passing-game remediation would be soooo 2010 for McDaniels. And why start the quarterback development clock now when you can procrastinate for another year on Mark Davis’ dime in the name of rebuilding the team culture?

Skoronski can start right away at guard for the Raiders and be the kind of nasty tone-setter the team needs in the middle to keep defenders away from, um, Jimmy Garoppolo. Or Jarret Stidham and/or Stetson Bennett.

8. Atlanta Falcons: Tyree Wilson, ER, Texas Tech

The Falcons finished last in the NFL in adjusted sack rate in 2022, last in 2021, and no higher than 23rd in any season since 2017.

I plan to lead every paragraph I write about the Falcons this offseason with that sentence. Heck, I plan to lead every paragraph I speak in casual conversation on any topic with that sentence:

WIFE: Honey, did you remember to pick your mother’s medications, pay the car insurance, and clean off the dryer lint screen that caught fire yesterday?

ME: The Falcons finished last in the NFL in adjusted sack rate in 2022, last in 2021, and no higher than 23rd in any season since 2017.

WIFE: (stares back blankly)

Anyway, the Falcons love their toolsy-but-raw edge rushers, and Wilson is toolsy. When he stretched his arms out at the combine it looked like could wrap them around the entire press pool and give us a much-needed 8 a.m. hug. His college production was good-not-great, but since when have the Falcons cared about that?

As for the quarterback situation: Anthony Richardson is certainly a possibility, but I am guessing Arthur Smith has talked himself (and Arthur Blank) into the idea of slow-cooking Desmond Ridder. Procrastination is a job preservation skill for head coaches!

9. Trade! Washington Commanders: Anthony Richardson, QB, Florida

Trader Poles does it again! Having already rooked the Panthers (it’s a trade that benefits both sides, just one more than the other) out of some picks and a Pro Bowl-caliber receiver, he convinces Dan Snyder (fresh from ripping out the showers at team headquarters and replacing them with some leaky garden hoses he found in a YMCA dumpster) that the Titans and Buccaneers are possible threats to trade up for a developmental quarterback. So the Commanders fork over the 16th and 47th picks, Snyder gets some positive headlines, Ron Rivera shrugs and figures he can frame 2023 as a rebuilding year (procrastination is a job preservation … oh I just said that), and Richardson gets to compete with Sam Howell (a.k.a. Diet Richardson) for the right to run zone-reads for a team that has a solid playmaker corps and a passable offensive line.

Wait, this sounds like too good a scenario for the Commanders, who could build a young wild-card team around Richardson rather quickly. Fortunately, they’ll keep Taylor Heinicke on a one-year deal, he’ll come off the bench for some semi-heroics when Richardson struggles, the organization and fanbase will endure another schism, and nothing will matter once the franchise is sold to the Yakuza.

10. Trade! Dallas Cowboys: Drew Sanders, LB, Arkansas

Somewhere in the Gulf Coast aboard a superyacht…

JERRAH: SOOOOOO-WHEEEEEEEE! Boy, have you done made sure we can draft that White Micah fella yet?

STEPHEN: Daddy, I told you that Drew Parsons shot up the draft boards not long after Football Outsiders ranked him as the ninth overall prospect in this class. We may have to make a very risky trade to draft him.

JERRAH: Do whatever it takes, boy.

STEPHEN: (under his breath while dialing phone) Got-dangit I told Mildred to make sure to water down the Cutty Sark this time of year…

HOWIE: (On phone) Howie Wowie’s Faustian Bargains! Oops, I mean House of Bargains. What can I do ya for?

STEPHEN: Howie, Big Daddy wants Drew Sanders and he ain’t taking no for an answer. Promise you ain’t gonna fleece us.

HOWIE: Fleece you? Perish the thought. Just send over the 26th and 90th overall pick, and a second-rounder in 2024, and you can draft all the linebackers from your alma mater that you want. Muahahahahahaha.

STEPHEN: That ain’t so bad: we get an impact defender out of the deal, after all. (Hangs up) Daddy! We got Sanders!

JERRAH: What about Bijan! I wanna see Zeke, Tony Pollard, and Bijan in the same backfield when Mike McCarthy is running curl-flats!

STEPHEN: I’m gonna put a padlock on that liquor cabinet…

11. Tennessee Titans: Bijan Robinson, RB, Texas

Yuck. That’s too click-baity even for me. Let’s try again.

(Record scratch noise)

11. Tennessee Titans: Broderick Jones, OT, Georgia

Gosh, the Titans are really screwed. Left tackle Taylor Lewan is moving on after an injury-derailed 2022 season. Bud Dupree got released in a cap-saving sunk-cost-fallacy-averting move. Ryan Tannehill is fading fast, and Malik Willis doesn’t exactly appear to be on the fast track to replacing him. Even Derrick Henry is on the trade block. The Titans went from contenders to a directionless franchise in the last four months.

Wide receivers (and Bijan) will be popular mock choices for the Titans, and heaven knows they need a fresh batch of playmakers. But someone like local-favorite Jalin Hyatt would be a reach here.

Jones is also a bit of a reach, but he’s a potential long-term left tackle solution with tip-top upside. And forget what happened the last time the Titans went to Athens in search of a left tackle solution: Jones is a project, but he’s NOT that sort of mistake.

12. Houston Texans: Joey Porter, CB, Penn State

Florida guard O’Cyrus Torrence would be an option here as the Texans strive to cut down everything in Bryce Young’s sightline. But we mocked a pair of Day 2 interior linemen to the Texans earlier, so let’s grant them the Best Available Athlete.

Porter ranks below other cornerbacks on the FO 100, but he’s nearly 6-foot-3, has arms to clean the gutters flat-footed, and plays VERY hard. DeMeco Ryans and his staff can clean up Porter’s game, line him up across from an older/healthier/wiser Derek Stingley, and develop one of the league’s most gifted cornerback tandems.

13. New York Jets (no Aaron Rodgers trade): Devon Witherspoon, CB, Illinois

I wrote “one of the league’s most gifted cornerback tandems” about the Texans a moment ago. This Sauce ‘n’ Spoon pair would be THE league’s most gifted tandem. Witherspoon could end up with eight interceptions as teams avoid Sauce Gardner. Perfect for winning games with Marcus Mariota or Jimmy Garoppolo under center.

13. Green Bay Packers (Aaron Rodgers trade): Jordan Addison, WR, USC

“F*ck you, Aaron. Seriously: f*ck you. Drafting a first-round wide receiver was literally the first thing we did after we finally got rid of you. And we don’t even need one all that badly anymore. This is sheer spite! Oh, and he’s a Donald Driver type who can slurp up short-to-intermediate passes while Christian Watson and Romeo Doubs work deep. Would you have liked that receiver trio? Too bad. Oh don’t worry, we gave Randall Cobb bus fare. You’re gonna love the Port Authority Bus Terminal when you pick him up. You’ll be bathing in mineral water or bandersnatch tears or some other bullsh*t for weeks afterward, but you still won’t feel clean! Oh, who are we kidding: just look at yourself; you haven’t showered since 2019. OK, TTFN, buddy. And also: f*ck you!”
—verbatim quote from Brian Gutekunst’s post-draft press conference.

14. New England Patriots: Keion White, DL, Georgia Tech

Patriots fans: you do NOT want one of the 2023 crop of wide receivers in the first round. They’re all variations on the kind of spindly-speedy boundary target that rarely develops in Foxborough. Also, all the deep threats in the world won’t help, because Mac Jones cannot reach them. Bill Belichick himself said so. But don’t despair! The Patriots will find some slotty Tank Dell/Jayden Reed/Tre Tucker types in the middle rounds and be just fine by their 2020-to-2022 offensive standards.

No, long-suffering (gag reflex suppressed) Patriots faithful, the time has come once again to stock up on defense and strive to build a playoff portfolio out of 13-10 victories over pathetic opponents. White is a fine fit for the Bill Belichick defense: he’s a burly two-gap end who can rush like a stand-up edge, and he’s a cerebral dude with the maturity to handle tough coaching.

15. Green Bay Packers (Aaron Rodgers trade): O’Cyrus Torrence, G, Florida

“Oh yeah, Aaron, we also beefed up the interior offensive line for Jordan Love. Elgton Jenkins can now finally settle down at right tackle, Zach Tom can keep being groomed to replace David Bakhtiari, and we’ll be set for the next few years. No more reshuffling the line. But hey: enjoy the Jets line for the dozen snaps that Mekhi Becton is healthy, a**hole!”
—more verbatim Gutekunst quotes from the future.

15. Green Bay Packers (no Aaron Rodgers trade): Devon Witherspoon, CB, Illinois

When writing a time travel sci-fi story, it’s important to not create paradoxes which confuse the reader/viewer/author. In the same way, it’s important to not create too many branching scenarios in a mock draft, lest you create plotholes.

So just as the Avengers had to trim every branching timestream at the end of Endgame, we must make sure to not create a thicket of scenarios in which someone like Witherspoon could end up with 12 different teams. So we tie his story off here. The Packers could use another quality cornerback, so here’s one, and this whole Aaron Rodgers Schroedinger’s Weirdo scenario will be sewn up once we find homes for O’Cyrus Torrence and Jordan Addison in the alternate timelines.

Don’t worry, I’m a professional mock drafter, and I have this.

(Also … did Captain America do nothing but boink Agent Carter through the entire Civil Rights Movement, Cuban Missile Crisis, 1960s assassinations, and so on? Best not to think about it.)

16. Chicago Bears: Jaxon Smith-Njigba, WR, Ohio State

We made it, Bears fans! Ryan Poles did such a masterful job of wheeling and dealing that he has essentially fixed the Bears’ biggest problem! Smith-Njigba is a receiver Justin Fields is somewhat familiar with—they played together for the 2020 Buckeyes—and he has a knack for getting open when his quarterback is on the run. He arrives as the Bears’ WR2 behind D.J. Moore. Darnell Mooney and Velus Jones/Chase Claypool round out the depth chart just fine. Fields has the firepower he needs to develop. And if he does not develop, it won’t be for lack of firepower.

But wait, there’s more! The Bears also nabbed the 47th overall pick in our mock draft scenario. Let’s anchor their offensive line with Wisconsin center Joe Tippman. Let’s also grant them LSU edge B.J. Ojulari with the pick they received from the Panthers. Heck, how about we also add monstrous Michigan nose tackle Mazi Smith with the Bears’ own 53rd pick. The defense isn’t exactly repaired, but it’s a start.

It’s starting to come together, Bears fans. The future may be soon if Fields’ arm catches up to its legs.

17. Pittsburgh Steelers: Siaki Ika, DT, Baylor

Ika provides 335 pounds of combative human for the Steelers interior defense: perfect for the team that saw Montravius Adams decline as the 2022 season wore on and probably shouldn’t try to bring Tyson Alualu back for his 97th NFL season. 

18. Detroit Lions: Trenton Cannon, LB, Clemson

Why yes, we did just add Jalen Carter AND a linebacker with Fred Warner-level potential to the Lions defense. Maybe Aaron Rodgers won’t hate the Port Authority Bus Terminal so badly after all.

19. Trade! Kansas City Chiefs: Paris Johnson Jr., OT, Ohio State

Andy Reid sees Johnson slipping and realizes he can instantly solve the Orlando Brown problem just by sacrificing the 32nd and 63rd overall picks. (Brown, in this scenario, was last seen in Duval County shaking Trent Baalke upside down until all the change fell out of his pockets.)

Buccaneers general manager Jason Licht, meanwhile, who has been wearing the same pair of sweatpants for six weeks, finally checks his phone messages and realizes that he can save a little cap space by trading down. It’s a win-win! And Super Bowl LV feels like it was 70 years ago.

20. Seattle Seahawks: Calijah Kancey, DT, Pittsburgh

The Seahawks come away from our mock with a cornerback and a 3-technique who each would have fit squarely into the lineups of their early-2010s teams. Remember when the joke was to mock nothing but running backs, punters, and power forwards (or as Tom Cable called them, developmental left tackles) to the Seahawks? Times have changed back for the better.

21. Los Angeles Chargers: Josh Downs, WR, North Carolina

Internet law requires me to mock a wide receiver to the Chargers, state that said receiver will help Justin Herbert ascend to the peak of human perfection, and mention that Kellen Moore will do a better job using said receiver than former coordinator Joe Lombardi, who now gets to be the olive loaf in a Sean Payton/Russell Wilson sandwich. This mock draft capsule is in full compliance with Internet law. Thank you for your time and attention. (And yes, Downs will indeed help Herbert and the Chargers rediscover the joys of passing vertically.)

22. Baltimore Ravens: Jalin Hyatt, WR, Tennessee

None of these 175-pounds-after-Cracker-Barrel wide receivers really do it for me as first-rounders, which is why they are all getting crammed into the 20s and mocked to teams with obvious needs at the position.

Hyatt can replace Marquise Brown as the exceptionally speedy, dynamic playmaker who goes HAM one week and then silent for the next two or three. He is an upgrade over Demarcus Robinson, DeSean Jackson’s ghost, Sammy Watkins’ astral projection, and Brandon Stokley’s chiropractor, all of whom played snaps at wide receiver for the Ravens last year. Lamar Jackson will be able to play out the first of two franchise tag years in relative style.

23. Minnesota Vikings: Myles Murphy, ER, Clemson

The Vikings are in the midst of a veteran purge, and good for them! Credit to Kwesi Adofo-Mensah: it takes real leadership to look at a 13-win season and say, yeah, that was some unsustainable nonsense, we need to start over. A lesser general manager would try to extend the Vikings’ (lol) “Super Bowl window,” giving us the spectacle of a 38-year-old Erik Kendricks trying to cover tight ends in a golf cart while carrying a $22-million cap number. KAM talks the analytics talk and walks the walk!

Anyway, here’s your reward, Vikings fans: a Best Available Athlete who slipped in our mock for #reasons. Murphy can provide a dignified Za’Darius Smith exit strategy and, with the help of some 2022 picks who were hurt last year, potentially spark a youth movement on defense.

24. Jacksonville Jaguars: Kelee Ringo, CB, Georgia

Trevor Lawrence won’t win any shootouts with the current Jacksonville secondary.

Gosh, this is really a strange year for mock drafting. By the time you reach the late teens, it’s like:

• Wide receivers? Lots of scrawny sprinters who got open in college thanks to stack formations.
• Offensive tackles? Nothing but developmental projects who list “holding” and “lunging” as their hobbies.
• Edge rushers? They’re fine, but there are no Bosa or Watt types lurking about.
• Cornerbacks? OMG THERE ARE STILL FOUR DUDES WHO LOOK LIKE RICHARD SHERMAN’S ASGARDIAN COUSIN AND ALLOWED AN OPPOSING QB RATING OF NEGATIVE-THREE BILLION IN A POWER CONFERENCE ON THE BOARD.

25. New York Giants: DJ Turner II, CB, Michigan

See the previous comment. Turner isn’t as much of an action figure as some of the other corners in this mock, but he can start right away without committing six penalties per month, and he’s built to cover A.J. Brown one week and CeeDee Lamb the next without bursting into flames. That’s right: it takes a DJ to cover an A.J. and a CeeDee!

26. Philadelphia Eagles: Brian Bresee, DT, Clemson

A Best Available Athlete who has slid a smidge in this mock, Bresee is a quality 3-technique who can line up next to Jordan Davis, giving the Eagles a highly affordable defensive tackle tandem of the future to replace departing Fletcher Cox and Javon Hargrave.

With the 90th pick they acquired from the Cowboys in our little fantasy, the Eagles take Oregon State cornerback Rejzohn Wright, who can offset the likely loss of James Bradberry.

As for the possible loss of Darius Slay: the Eagles will get some compensation for that, there are STILL good cornerbacks sitting all over the draft board, and this wasn’t even the team’s given first-round pick!

27. Buffalo Bills: Brian Branch, S, Alabama

I was gonna get sexy here and mock Boston College wide receiver Zay Flowers to the Bills. Just what Josh Allen needs: a slot receiver who can take screen passes and end-arounds to the house!

Then I remembered that Ken Dorsey is still calling the plays, and he thinks wide receiver screens cause cooties. The Bills ran just seven screens to players lined up at wide receiver in 2022, despite the presence of Isaiah McKenzie and Gabe Davis for much of the year. For comparison’s sake, DeVonta Smith of the Eagles alone was targeted for screens 19 times.

So Flowers would just tempt ol’ Bombs Away Dorsey to call even more bombs on fourth-and-inches while leading by two scores midway through the fourth quarter, and mocking him to the Bills would just be cruel.

Branch is a ready-to-play safety/corner/slot guy who can offset the loss of Jordan Poyer. Yeah, that’s safer.

28. Cincinnati Bengals: Bijan Robinson, RB, Texas

Add Robinson to Joe Burrow, Ja’Marr Chase, Tee Higgins, Tyler Boyd, and the rebuilt offensive line. Win Super Bowl. Sign ownership of the team over to Burrow during the parade and disappear to the Cayman Islands. It’s a win-win for Mike Brown and Bengals fans.

29. New Orleans Saints: O’Cyrus Torrence, G, Florida (Aaron Rodgers trade)
 
or
 
29. Jordan Addison, WR, USC (no Aaron Rodgers trade)

Who better to close our Mock Draft Temporal Anomaly than the team that is trying to destroy the space/time/money continuum and acquired their first-round pick in exchange for a head coach who now babbles about The Office during press conferences? If modern sci-fi has taught us anything it’s that all problems can be solved by tossing one weird CGI MacGuffin into the other weird CGI MacGuffin.

The Saints have issues at guard, where Andrus Peat is fading fast, so Torrence would be a fine fit for the new Derek Carr offense. They also have issues behind Chris Olave at wide receiver, where speedy Rashid Shaheed will look much better as a WR3 or WR4 than a starter and Jarvis Landry is … seriously, what the heck were the Saints thinking when they signed Landry? Oh yeah: Mickey Loomis just likes creating cap puzzles for himself as a sort of kink these days. Addison would be a fine possession-oriented complement to Olave.

(Yes, there is talk about Michael Thomas remaining with the Saints, but Michael Thomas is a tax shelter, not a real person. Don’t believe the lies.)

Both of these picks would be great. Just remember, Saints fans: the team cannot actually make both of them!

30. Philadelphia Eagles: Darnell Washington, TE, Georgia

OK, so the Eagles are in 12 personnel with A.J. Brown, DeVonta Smith, Dallas Goedert, insert-your-favorite-cheap-running-back, and this all-new Dungeons & Dragons character class. If Washington lines up next to Lane Johnson, beware the zone-read game and the max-protect-and-bomb game. If he lines up bunched with the receivers, beware the boundary screen game. If he motions, well, beware of everything. And if you try to cover him with a linebacker, just get the kickoff return team ready.

A true square peg, Washington doesn’t fit many offenses snuggly, but he’ll be devastating for the Eagles, who need blockers on the hoof more than they need additional weapons.

31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Darnell Wright, OT, Tennessee

I am tired after 4,200 words and many revisions. Jason Licht is also tuckered out and ready for a year-long cap nap. So here’s a worthy successor to Donovan Smith. With the extra pick they earned by trading down, the Bucs can add USC edge rusher Tuli Tuipulotu to provide a jolt of size, energy, and athleticism to a defense in transition. Thank heavens the Dolphins vacated their pick, making this year’s mock drafts slightly shorter!

Oh bother, we aren’t done yet: we should cover the teams without first-round picks.

36. Los Angeles Rams: Nolan Smith, LB, Georgia

Is Smith a linebacker? An edge rusher? The world’s largest and most aggro wide receiver? Another Travon Walker who looked so-so at Georgia despite all-galaxy athleticism because it’s hard to stand out when the opponent throws in the towel late in the first quarter?

Whatever Smith may be, he’ll be a steal in the early second round if he lasts, and the Rams need to add players with the potential to be special while they nurse their lingering All-In hangover.

42. Cleveland Browns: Keondre Coburn, DT, Texas

A slot receiver would be a sexier pick. Defensive tackle is an even more critical need. Coburn is 332 pounds of ascending talent. He’ll start his career eating space so the Browns don’t finish 28th in run defense again. But he can develop into a more dynamic defender.

51. Miami Dolphins: Dawand Jones, OT, Ohio State

Jones moves like a left tackle and is built like a right tackle and a tight end sharing one pair of trousers: perfect for protecting Tua Tagovailoa’s blind side if he is still on the board.

67. Denver Broncos: JL Skinner, S, Boise State
68. Denver Broncos: Hendon Hooker, QB, Tennessee

The Broncos have back-to-back picks, so we might as well mock them both. Skinner is a big-hitting safety/linebacker tweener who could offset the free-agent loss of Kareem Jackson.

Hooker? You can fill that part in yourself.

99. San Francisco 49ers: Riley Moss, CB, Iowa
101. San Francisco 49ers: Brett Laing, C/G, Minnesota Duluth
102. San Francisco 49ers: Kenny McIntosh, RB, Georgia

Day 2 of the NFL draft will end with an hour-long 49ers compensatory pick drum solo. And this mock ends with a speedy cornerback who will remind John Lynch of his young self (second white-guy joke; your Walkthrough bingo card is full), a Shrine Bowl standout with the potential to develop into a starting center, and the kind of explosive rusher Kyle Shanahan gets a few dazzling seasons from as part of his backfield committee or forgets about in early August.

And that’s a wrap. Happy free agency everyone!